Another week is gone….

Saturday, 6th Jan’07

It has been a short week. Started work on Wednesday, quite relaxed, but tired, due to lack of sleep back in KL.

Rented 2 books from Bookcraves, one by Linda Francis Lee, another by Cathy Kelly. Like both author. Hope these 2 books can last me 2 weekends. Trying to read as slowly as possible.

Went for dinner with R yesterday, after work. Then to Toa Payoh to watch Blood Diamond. Is R a potential? No, not really, but I really do not mind company to dinner. Haha… sounds unfair, but as what CJ said, no harm going out and make friends. I am still young. :-) Furthermore, it was B’s birthday yesterday, the 33th birthday. I remembered, but I didn’t send my wish. It’s kinda complicated, yet not-so-difficult feeling.

“Good morning. Until when will you be ignoring me?” – B smsed just now.

“It is clear I am holding on. I see reasons to hold on my heart is holding on bec I still love you. Why are you so cold hearted towards me?” – another sms, waking me up from my planned-to-sleep-in-late dreamland.

“I’ve already moved on with my life. It is up to you, if you still want to hang on.” – I replied.

“I understand how you feel. I did many wrong things in this relationship. I know nothing but I know this I am sincere about my feelings for you. I am true bec what I feel now is not loneliness but emptiness at the very sole of my being. I truly love you still do deeply. Please keep an open mind for me” – he smsed again.

“My feelings for you changed, tat is why. Hang on all you want, I can’t stop you. One day, either of us will find someone.” – I replied.

“It is not true. I have told you before my heart is closed. No longer looking. We have differences. We are different but we can work things out.” – yet another sms from B.

Then he sent another, telling me he has just dropped another pillow, softer version at the doorstep. Am I touched? Not really. I am really disappointed in myself. Why am I thinking so much after so long? Mike may be right, it’s wasted because both of us spent 2 years together. But does it matter? 2 years or 20 years? Why some couple would want to divorce after 20 years or marriage?

I have been thinking a lot, especially the trip I went back to KL. Is it true that he is not as good as I said? If he wasn’t good, he would not have done things he has done. Though he was never around, for emotion or moral support whenever I needed someone, he has always think of what I need, material wise.

I am one clumsy gal, with the original VAIO laptop bag; I always knock people on the bus. He bought me a slim laptop bag. I wanted a bracelet; he bought a 19-diamonds bracelet. I was easily tired; he bought me half a dozen of essence of chicken.

I am not cold hearted, I am not heartless. I am yet another girl next door, with very strong emotion. But I cannot turn back this time. The problem doesn’t really lie JUST in him, it lies in me too.

Independent as I sound, I need someone by my side, at times, no… most of the time. And he was never around. So what you are showered with THINGS when what you really want is time spent together, affection and passion. We have been together for 2 years, exact time spent, less than half a year. Exactly, we spent the most; one day a weekend with each other.

At times we were good, there were always programs in his life. To meet up with colleagues (yes, you are right, colleagues that he sees everyday through the working week, from breakfast up to dinner) but still there is a need to meet up on weekends. It happened when one of the colleague’s wife is away or that particular colleague wants to have guys night out. Some other reasons would be, Aunt is staying alone, and he has to accompany her. So, you see, going out with him was a mental burden.

It’s just like having an affair with your married lover. He has to make sure the one at home is well. And he will sneak out to have fun with you when everything’s fine. Funny, this feeling is yet so familiar.

When we were on the verge of breaking up, he made drastic decision. To find his way back to Sg. This I do not agree. Why come out of your comfort zone just because of someone, someone maybe not really worth your love? If she loves you, THAT MUCH, she would have accepted whatever decision you make, whatever you do. Does it matter where you are?

Anyway, he has rejected the new employer’s offer, though he signed the letter. He was made to pay half a month salary as penalty for breaching contract. This is not the first time he breached contract. I am quite sure, if we are still together, he would have resigned and work in Sg, so much so that he can be with me when I need him.

Well, wish the best for him, as the reason to leave the current company is no longer valid. Used to complain that there was no career path for him, the MD actually created a path, promoted him, and offered him a better pay package. What else can he ask for, when in actual fact, he didn’t really want to leave the company in the first place. There is nothing wrong to choose to stay in a comfort zone.

Heard from HIM, that the company may be setting up a plant in China. It is yet another opportunity for B and HIM. I am glad we are apart now, at least whatever decision he made/make/going to make will not affect anything. I wish for his happiness.

In actual fact, I have never really shared sorrows with B. I blamed him for being indecisive, not protective. I did not feel secured with him. And he was right, I only remember bad things he has done, never about good things.

Mommy says the one who do the dumping shouldn’t feel that bad. I feel extremely bad, worse when I think of the past 2 years, the happy memories we had. But keep telling myself that it’s over. New year new beginning, I have to let go of the past and be prepared for whatever it might come.

CJ says, not to close the “door” too fast. B may change to a better person. Other than that, I have to work to be a better person myself. :-)

Quoting CY, “good life starts only when you stop wanting a better one”.

Till then, perhaps it is better to work on something that will not hurt…. My career… I want to be promoted within this year. Big order, here I come. :-)

Sunday, 7th Jan’07

Auntie Serene got on my nerves again. So, I asked B to delivery my tv asap. I am not going to stay outside the room for any second longer than necessary. Let her take my rental, full stop, end of story. Each time I am opened to conversation, her bl**dy mouth will babble something that sounds like coming out from a retarded brain. And she treats you like one. :-(

Went to meet HIM at Bugis when his children were having Chinese tuition. God, it felt like an affair although it wasn’t one. The way HE had to walk behind me in public make me wonder, is this how it felt, to be a ‘mistress’. The feeling sure not so good, but why should I be bothered, it is not going to affect much anyway.

After meeting HIM, I went to shop around in OG, Bugis Village, Bugis Junction and Seiyu. Bought my first-in-life off-shoulder top and a bag for weekend use. Well, there are many things need to be bought, but I have yet to think carefully… camera, new hp, MP3/4, contact lenses (I wonder if I still can wear them) and etc…

CJ asked, saying he thought I bought a 3-in-1 hp, ya, MP3, camera and phone functions, all in one. But at point of purchase with my doc cousin in 2005, I was looking for some entertainment when I travel with MRT, under tunnel when normal radio frequency dies off.

Now, I realize, I can’t switch on my hp on the plane. Something I hate especially when I am not taking SQ to Shanghai. Five and a half hour without entertainment, other than my novel. Which is considered good, but definitely not good enough. Maybe I should get something better. :-p

It’s almost bedtime…. Just realized that the conference call and customer meeting clash tomorrow. I have to give them a call for reschedule to Tuesday instead.

I am not sure if S managed to register the Globalizing the Six Sigma Way 3-days seminar for me. It’s going to be short week in office, but long hours of work. Because I have to read my emails after the 9-5 seminar, which means, I will have to patronize Mc’D for 4 consecutive. Gosh, that’s a lot!

Till then……. Good night…